Imagine a world without abortion.

 

This is not a political statement – simply a thought experiment.

 

Imagine a world where abortion simply doesn’t exist, and if you get pregnant (or make someone else pregnant), there is no getting out of it. You have a child. Your life changes forever.

 

And there’s no contraception either. No condoms, no birth control pills, no IUDs, no vasectomies.

 

If this is the world you live in, then sexual intercourse is extremely consequential. One act of sex could change your life forever, and there are no technological escape hatches to get you out of it.

 

This isn’t some bizarre fantasy world; this is the entire history of humanity, up until the 20th Century. None of these technologies even existed prior. Condoms didn’t exist (or were made of sheep skin, and were totally unreliable). Zero pharmacies dispensed The Pill, because it hadn’t been invented yet. And the only methods available for abortion were dangerous potions brewed by witch-doctors, because modern methods of abortion did not yet exist.

 

In such a world, sex is a highly consequential act. And therefore, everybody takes extreme caution about whom they have sex with – and when.

 

For a woman, the act carries the most risk, because unlike a man, she cannot run away from the pregnancy. So women, even more so than men, practice extreme selectivity in choosing sexual partners. In such a world, “No sex before marriage” is sound advice, not pompous moralizing, because a woman literally needs marriage as a guarantee of commitment from the man, to support her and her soon-to-be child, financially. Pre-marital sex carries the risk of being impregnated and then abandoned. It does in our current world, too, of course  – but today there is abortion as an escape hatch. For 99.999% of human history, there wasn’t; and as a woman, you needed marriage if you were going to have sex. Women sought marriage.

 

Not sex. Not hooking up.

 

Marriage.

 

When women – single, unmarried women - went out in public, in places where men were, with the intention of meeting men, they were going about it in a way that is fundamentally different from the way women today, in our modern world, go about it. They were looking for something different. Whereas the modern “sexually liberated” woman goes out looking for an experience, the pre-modern woman looked for a permanent relationship partner.

 

And crucially, these two goals carry different selection criteria for the selection of a partner. If, on the one hand, you’re looking for a permanent relationship partner, then you’re screening for moral character. You’re looking for honesty, dependability, good listening skills, patience, compassion, courage, humility, loyalty, and in a general sense, spiritual maturity. You’re looking for righteousness.

 

And this means that you’re looking inside the man, to his inner self, assessing who he truly is, as a human being. Your primary focus, when spending time with him, is on him. Because you’re trying to figure out who he truly is.

 

But if, on the other hand, you’re a modern woman, and you’re looking for an experience, then your partner should be someone who makes you feel good. Right now. You should feel comfortable in his presence, from the very beginning. You should feel intrigued by him. Butterflies, perhaps. He should make you feel like a beautiful, powerful, sexy woman who is romantically desired – and yet safe and relaxed at the same time. He’s gotta stir up some feelings. Some juicy feelings.

 

And to do this, he must achieve a masterful balance of energies. He needs to be forward, and confident, and bravely make moves to increase the intimacy level – but without being needy, or thirsty. He has to find that magical time-length of eye contact, where it conveys sexual communication and opens the door to sensuality – but without being creepy or intimidating. These and 100 other things. He has to have relaxed-yet-confident body language. He has to balance sensual aggressiveness with respect for boundaries. He has to empathize with your feelings, while at the same time not losing touch with his own.

 

He has to brew a magical cocktail of energies… and this is very difficult, nigh on impossible, for most men to pull off. Most men are good people, but shy and awkward around women they’re attracted to. And so the modern woman’s selection criteria are extremely difficult for most men to meet. Most men do not have the confidence, gravitas, suave, and all the other ineffable and difficult-to-cultivate qualities that are necessary to form relationships in modern culture.

 

Some men do develop these capabilities, but they do it through early experience with girlfriends. Confidence comes from experience. And having intimate relationships early in life provides the experience for a man to gain proficiency in the SSI (sensual, sexual, intimate) Realm, to navigate its waters competently throughout his life. But many guys, perhaps the majority, don’t get this opportunity, and become locked in a vicious cycle of inexperience and failure to form relationships. They simply cannot meet the selection criteria of the modern, sexually liberated woman. They are shy and awkward, and cannot make women feel the magical cocktail of emotions leading to intimacy – and therefore cannot form the very relationships that are necessary to learn those skills in the first place. And they get shut out of the whole realm.

 

But the thing is… they’re still good people. And they are worthy of relationship. They’re worthy of sex. Simply being shy and awkward around women does not make a man a bad person. Being needy, thirsty, and desperate does not either. Nor does being stiff, square, or boring. These are not character flaws. These are conditions, and they come from sexual inexperience; and they transform into their opposites as sexual experience brings competence, and with it, confidence. Having these undesirable qualities does not make a man undeserving of sexual relationship.

 

Other bad qualities however, may – if they’re of the true “character flaw” variety. If a man is dishonest, closed-minded, greedy, unforgiving, cruel, or apathetic, then it may be reasonable to argue that he’s unworthy of sexual relationship. Because these qualities are moral flaws.

 

But shyness, awkwardness, stiffness, and boringness are not. They’re merely the residues of inexperience. And they can be washed off. And a pre-modern woman is willing to be patient, and wash them off, knowing that as she does so, the man’s inner character will shine brighter and brighter as the dirt disappears. She’s willing to overlook his failure to make her feel romantic feelings right now, knowing that it’s very possible that he will make her feel them eventually, as he finds his groove. And she wants to give him the chance to do so; she wants to give him time; because she perceives his good inner character, and wants him as a partner because of it.

 

In a pre-modern world, without abortion or contraception – a world in which women are seeking permanent relationship partners (i.e. marriage), rather than an immediate experience – the shy, awkward, inexperienced man can shine. Because in such a world, his qualities are the ones being selected for. Women are seeking husbands; and so the characteristics of honesty, patience, kindness, loyalty, and righteousness are the ones in demand. A man who is good but awkward is a hot commodity, because his righteousness is what women are seeking, and they know that the awkwardness will fade as they get to know each other.

 

In the pre-modern world, a woman will largely ignore the initial feeling of awkwardness from a guy, and instead focus on evaluating his core character, knowing that with time, the awkwardness will fade; and the character is what’s important.

 

But in the modern world, the initial awkwardness is a brick wall that’s next to impossible for a man who is behind it to break through. That’s because women are selecting partners based on how they feel right now, in the present moment. “In the Now.” And shyness, awkwardness, stiffness, neediness, and clumsiness will never make a woman feel good right now.

 

“In the Now.” It sounds spiritual; it sounds evolved. Who could be against evaluating potential romantic partners based on the subtle feelings in your body? Surely it must be not only “a” correct way, but THE correct way. Feel how this person makes you feel in their presence, and decide whether to pursue a relationship with him based on that. 

 

But the problem is, this standard makes it impossible for most men to form relationships, because they

 

 

And when you’re looking specifically for marriage, you’re selecting partners While the modern woman 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Evolutionary psychology states that we evolved under these conditions, and whatever conditions we evolved in are those to which we are the best adapted. Our species is adapted to a world without birth control, without abortion, and in which sexual intercourse is a highly consequential act. We are adapted to this. This is what our psychology has evolved around.

 

And it shows, in the abject failure of the sexual revolution. These new powers did not increase human happiness